Day three!

I finally understand the reality and this time im not going to lie to myself or to any of you. Im not going to fantasize nor will I hope for anything out of it. Kristie is right about letting myself go. I just need to let myself loose and stop stressing myself out for no reason. If i want to cry, i will cry. im not gonna give a crap about how others see me as one of them weak girls, im just an ordinary girl. I felt so dumb and stupid to have put myself in that darn position again because i didnt want to believe that it was the truth the first time. By asking again, knowing the answer already and that it wouldnt change just made it seem like i asked for it. i mean if i didnt ask then this awkward phase woulda passed. I just hate how its so different now. Why cant things be easier? A month ago, I couldnt take in that truth but now i will; I will keep on trying to go on. &I will let things flow instead of forcing myself. I know it aint gonna be easy but atleast i have support from my friends. i dont want to make those who care for me to worry about me anymore, im just sickin tired of it. I just want to break free and be me! I want to be the Audrey that loves to laugh&make people laugh, the optimistic old Audrey. Not that emotional, broken girl. These days are gonna be tough but hey, at least im trying right? ya gotta give me that. Well enough about alla my boring thangs..

Today's just not my day. I mean I was fine in the beginning half of the day but like after school i was just outta it ._. &the darn caps and gowns omgg! purple and white won! like wth! ughh i dont wanna wear no dam white! I hate itt! gosh just like middle school! >:O &on my way home my phone died the same time my ipod did on the darn 28! and i was bored outta my mind going home! and when i got on the 28 the bus driver yelled at me >:o wth! i hate her! i didnt do shit to get yelled at and i was so furious with that ol lady!! gah!! mm well i have a lot of hw =___= and i have to contact 4 people about different fundraisers/graduation things. *sighh.. i can only do so much.

Day twoo!

Gahh I just dont wanna feel like this no moree, it sucks! I have so much things i wanna say but i cant and im stopping myself before i ruin everything. sigh this is so difficult! I wanna get the heck outta this stagee frealss! If only things can go the way ya want it mm but it never does or atleast most of the time. ugh it suckss how i have to stop myself to say what i wanna cuz i love to be upfront lol and just blabber! I have so many questions to ask but no opportunities to do so ._. i try to keep myself busy to stop thinking because my imagination and mind runs wild and it just kills me! I can barely sleep a good 5 hrs every night and waking up in the middle of the night like i am insomniac or crazyy! I just wish i can get awayy!

Mmm anywayss, all day i had "I just want you by aj rafael" stuck in my headdd! the beats soo catchy! I have a lott of hw today sadlyy -_- Im currently really tired and my feet hurts from walking around japantown from store to store to ask if they wanna participate in mpr thang thang. mm on my bus ride home with a girlie, we had a longg talk about thangs and I feel relieved a tad bit. This conversation made me think about a lot of things, like what if this happen that way or what if that didnt happen mhm alotta those thoughts.

Day onee!

Kristie convinced me to make a blog&sadly I had to delete my bebo :[

This was originally from my bebo from earlier today:
Hmm so today when I woke up I finally felt like I wanted to blog. Someone once told me that if you had a lot in mind, then write it out and afterward youd feel a relief. From now on I will blog whenever I have a lot in mind to release some of the bottled up thoughts within.

MM where should I start? well these past two and a half months has been an emotional roller coaster for me. These couple of months I have cried many times and have had on a happy face pretending that nothings wrong, when deep down im feeling so much pain. So much has happened and I just cant let go. Every little thing just reminds me or leads my mine to it. Although I said "I have accepted the reality", deep down I'm just not ready to let go. I really did try and tried hard to move on from this subject but the memories just pull me back from letting go. Im trying to be strong and not let the feelings bug me but im just so tired of being strong, sometimes I wish I can be weaker so I can release the pain easier. Gahh -_- im like making it so hard on myself, I agree. I guess its b/c I never felt like this before and Im so new to this feeling that it scares me. I always question god, why me, why do i have to be the one that feel like this. but the truth is everyone feels like this atleast once in their life and its just my turn. One thing I would never regret is that I took the risk to open up to this subject and that I actually tried to resolve the brokenness but this subject just didnt try but gave it an ending.
Listening to the motivational speaker at Friday's assembly made me think "wow god sent him to talk to us, to have him help heal our brokenness and that god does hear me/us that we need help" The motivational speaker was amazingg! I realized that the risk I took to open up to this subject in my life was not a mistake. Its a step that I was willing to take and I was strong enough to do so. By opening up, I was real and what I heard that day " the real you is the most powerful you." Atleast I was direct to it and didnt lie about my feelings. I do not regret even if it didnt turn out how I wanted it to but I do regret why I didnt open up earlier. If I could open up and be real & truthful about my feelings, why cant you? Dont hold yourself back, just take the risk. "If you dont ask, you wont get" and you will live life with regrets instead of to live life to the full. Do what makes you happy, be with who makes you smile, and live life to the full. Dont let anything stop you from getting what you want.